Monday, September 6, 2010

Letters to God

I wa invited to Princep Church to watch this amazing movie by Grace. Indeed, it was about how God can make a difference, how you should belive in God jut like Tyler, a eleven year old boy who has brain cancer did. Apart from thoe part,this movie is really a MUST WATCH Movie for every one, for the little boy's courage, his infinite strength againist the incurable disease, his beautiful view of life. Yet, he still died in the end, lovely as an angel. No body in the room could help not crying, including myself. For the first time, after 4 months, tears kept falling painfully, like someone jutt punched me really hard......
"I feel like lately, everything I touch turns to dust and they keep slipping through my fingers" ...." I will show you what you can do. Put your left and right hand together, intertiwne and hold on tight, now nothing can go through anymore". Somehow this is the part when I start falling in love with the movie whole heartedly. It applied to me maybe, my life is still as sucky as ever, and I don't even have the strength to hold on anymore, or is it simply because I just want to give up? I feel lost, feel like I'm heading to no where, the road of trying to find out who I really am. The answer for my problem is not the question WHAT should I do. It's Do it now. But do I even want to make a change now? when I don't even have that confident anymore, to look up and to tell the world "Heyy it's me". I'm still confused. still thinking hard.................... but at least I know a long as I don't fall apart, there is still hope somehow.
" I love writing to Him, he's like my friend" I heard this sentence as suddenly feel blank. When was the last time I have a HTH with a real friend? idk and I won't say I don't care because It's too obvious to me that I think too much about that lately. What.s wrong with her? Or what,s wrong with me? What I have I done to her till she has to give me the "it's nice to meet you" smile every time our eyes meet? TJ says it' just typical her but I just cant understand it? why? how? She confuses me time after time? Still waiting for an answer but it seems like she doesn't even care texting me back nowadays.
It freak me out, what if one day, when I look back, there is no one besides me? Just like her, they will leave me one by one and all I have left is myself, emoing in the dark corner.................ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
SOmetimes I just wish that there is somebody who hugs me tight and says everything is alright because I'm worn out from all the worries and nightmares..........
Just want to be the boy right now, as strong as a warrior since God has hand picked him to suffer from the disease, since He knows that Tyler is strong enough to fight it with grace, because sometimes when you look at the let fortunate, you realize how weak you are really inside. I'm trying not to be a coward who run away instead of facing the problems but Heyy sometime I just need a break from those annoying and stressful thing that they are putting on me........................
Love the moive a thousand time and wish that I could watch it again
with love
An

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Cry

I haven't cried a single time since May and somehow I just can't cry now, no matter how hard I tried. Everything just passes me by and I don't even care what is going on.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Blank

I know I'm supposed to finish the first draft of WR now but somehow I just can't concentrate. I've spent hours and hours reading his blog, trying to figure out what is in his mind but it seems hopeless. The more I read, the clearer I see her, as bright as an angel. What can I do to earase her out of his mind? Simply there is nothing I can do? weird enought, I have never hated her before, I owe her as much as I can ever know.
She told me to keep on trying, but what't the point?
Keep trying to convince myself that would never happen and I need to concentrate on study now but how?
...................